🔗 Share this article The Advice given by A Dad Which Rescued Us when I became a Brand-New Dad "I believe I was merely just surviving for the first year." One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the challenges of being a father. However the reality quickly turned out to be "completely different" to what he pictured. Severe health problems surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her chief support as well as caring for their newborn son Leo. "I handled all the nights, each diaper… every walk. The duty of mother and father," Ryan shared. Following eleven months he burnt out. That was when a chat with his own dad, on a public seat, that led him to understand he required support. The simple phrases "You aren't in a healthy space. You must get support. What can I do to support you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and start recovering. His story is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now better used to talking about the strain on mothers and about PND, not enough is spoken about the struggles fathers face. 'It's not weak to ask for help Ryan feels his challenges are part of a wider reluctance to communicate among men, who often hold onto negative perceptions of what it means to be a man. Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and remains standing with each wave." "It's not a show of weakness to ask for help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he clarifies. Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health before and after childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're struggling. They can feel they are "not justified to be seeking help" - most notably in preference to a mum and baby - but she stresses their mental state is equally important to the unit. Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the chance to ask for a pause - going on a short trip away, separate from the home environment, to see things clearly. He realised he needed to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the logistical chores of caring for a new baby. When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she needed" -holding her hand and listening to her. Self-parenting That epiphany has changed how Ryan sees being a dad. He's now penning Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he gets older. Ryan hopes these will help his son to better grasp the language of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father. The idea of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four. During his childhood Stephen was without stable male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, profound difficult experiences caused his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their connection. Stephen says bottling up emotions led him to make "bad choices" when younger to change how he felt, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as a way out from the hurt. "You turn to things that aren't helpful," he explains. "They may briefly alter how you feel, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem." Advice for Managing as a New Father Share with someone - if you're feeling swamped, confide in a trusted person, your other half or a therapist what you're going through. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated. Maintain your passions - keep doing the things that allowed you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. This might be playing sport, seeing friends or gaming. Pay attention to the body - eating well, staying active and if you can, resting, all contribute in how your mental state is faring. Meet other new dads - listening to their experiences, the messy ones, as well as the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling. Remember that requesting help does not mean you've failed - looking after your own well-being is the optimal method you can look after your household. When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for a long time. Now being a father himself, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead give the security and emotional support he did not receive. When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the emotions in a healthy way. Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men because they confronted their issues, transformed how they talk, and learned to control themselves for their sons. "I'm better… dealing with things and managing things," states Stephen. "I put that down in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I expressed, sometimes I feel like my job is to instruct and tell you what to do, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am understanding an equal amount as you are on this path."
"I believe I was merely just surviving for the first year." One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to handle the challenges of being a father. However the reality quickly turned out to be "completely different" to what he pictured. Severe health problems surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into acting as her chief support as well as caring for their newborn son Leo. "I handled all the nights, each diaper… every walk. The duty of mother and father," Ryan shared. Following eleven months he burnt out. That was when a chat with his own dad, on a public seat, that led him to understand he required support. The simple phrases "You aren't in a healthy space. You must get support. What can I do to support you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and start recovering. His story is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now better used to talking about the strain on mothers and about PND, not enough is spoken about the struggles fathers face. 'It's not weak to ask for help Ryan feels his challenges are part of a wider reluctance to communicate among men, who often hold onto negative perceptions of what it means to be a man. Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and remains standing with each wave." "It's not a show of weakness to ask for help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he clarifies. Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health before and after childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're struggling. They can feel they are "not justified to be seeking help" - most notably in preference to a mum and baby - but she stresses their mental state is equally important to the unit. Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the chance to ask for a pause - going on a short trip away, separate from the home environment, to see things clearly. He realised he needed to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the logistical chores of caring for a new baby. When he was honest with Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she needed" -holding her hand and listening to her. Self-parenting That epiphany has changed how Ryan sees being a dad. He's now penning Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will read as he gets older. Ryan hopes these will help his son to better grasp the language of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father. The idea of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four. During his childhood Stephen was without stable male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, profound difficult experiences caused his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their connection. Stephen says bottling up emotions led him to make "bad choices" when younger to change how he felt, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as a way out from the hurt. "You turn to things that aren't helpful," he explains. "They may briefly alter how you feel, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem." Advice for Managing as a New Father Share with someone - if you're feeling swamped, confide in a trusted person, your other half or a therapist what you're going through. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated. Maintain your passions - keep doing the things that allowed you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. This might be playing sport, seeing friends or gaming. Pay attention to the body - eating well, staying active and if you can, resting, all contribute in how your mental state is faring. Meet other new dads - listening to their experiences, the messy ones, as well as the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling. Remember that requesting help does not mean you've failed - looking after your own well-being is the optimal method you can look after your household. When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for a long time. Now being a father himself, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead give the security and emotional support he did not receive. When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the emotions in a healthy way. Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men because they confronted their issues, transformed how they talk, and learned to control themselves for their sons. "I'm better… dealing with things and managing things," states Stephen. "I put that down in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I expressed, sometimes I feel like my job is to instruct and tell you what to do, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am understanding an equal amount as you are on this path."