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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It annoys my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.